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Oct 05 2012

The Beauty Loser is Back October 5, 2012

 
I thought I’d share with you a great example of weight bullying, which happened to me, from a family member, on my personal Facebook page.
 
I don’t mean to garner sympathy, I mean to bring awareness to what exactly weight bullying is. It just so happens that this new incident in my personal life is a great example.
 
It all started when I posted the link to the editorial response I wrote here on BeautyJudy to Jennifer Livingston’s situation on my personal Facebook, and while I know that writing something publicly and sharing it leaves me open to criticism, I was surprised to see criticism come from someone who claims to “love me.” And from someone on my personal Facebook page. Perhaps the public, strangers – but not my own family. I was shocked. 
 
I was also shocked that he would think that what he said would in any way be motivating to, as he puts it, “work harder, not simply whine about these issues.”
 
Which, if you read my post, was not the point of my editorial. My point was that no one should be bullied or hurtfully criticized about their weight.
 
As Jennifer said in her response, the cruel words of one are nothing compared with the uplifting shouts of many. Indeed. In addition to the example of bullying, I am sharing this to demonstrate the good countering the negative here. It far outweighs the bad, and I see that now.
 
I’ve changed names (and used XX for names used within the comments) but left in all grammatical and spelling errors. Here’s the thread:
  • FRIEND: Judy, thank you for sharing this. A lot of how you feel is the same way I feel, and a lot of what you’re struggling with is the same as I’m struggling with, and it’s great to know I’m not alone. Plus you’re so much better at putting it all into words than I am (that’s why you write the blog and I don’t!)
  • ME LOL – You are an inspiration. Watching your journey in pictures on FB was great, I think I felt that kinda happiness for you that is possible when you know what someone is struggling with. To me it’s important to share stuff like this because it’s important to know you’re not alone! And it sucks to feel that way, I know
    :)
  • COUSIN: I love you and you are my family, but this is bullshit. It’s actually really easy being fat. You just endulge yourself and don’t work hard. It’s really hard to be fit. I am not in shape because I’m lucky or blessed, I’m this way because I work hard and sacrifice. Stop bitching and start working, excuses are like assholes. 
  • BLOGGER FRIEND: Um XX, Have you considered people with thyroid issues, digestive problems or depression? It’s actually quite hard for a person to lose weight because of this. I think what Judy meant was that it ain’t easy bc of the negative stereotype that resonates with people. It is actually hard to deal with the pressures and know that if you are comfortable with the way you are, no one should be advising you on how you should live your life. I know people who are overweight and have better health conditions that someone of a lesser weight. Also i would like to add that i know several skinny people who are trying to gain weight for health reasons and are finding it very difficult.
  • COUSIN: Yes I have thought of this. Thyroid and digestive problems stem from abuse of the body due to non exercise and poor diet, and depresion often from poor body image. You are not going to get in shape by bitching and crying that you are fat, and sitting on your soffa eating ice cream feeling sorry for yourself. I don’t want to wake up early and work out, or run constantly and have knee and back pains, or lift weights and feel like I can’t move the next day, but you don’t see me crying about it, and wishing I was fat.
  • BLOGGER FRIEND: That’s the thing XX, the reporter was not crying or complaining. It was someone who pointed at her and told her what she “should” look like. I think that’s the point you are missing.  Also i think you should do more research on thyroid and digestive issues bc not all are from being overweight, many people suffer from it who are thin, esp those with anorexia (deal with digestive issues). I’m no doctor XX but i’ve played rugby for years, dance and go to the gym 4 days a week, paleo eater and yet…to others i might look fat….but i finished Warrior Dash faster then some skinny girls on the course ;) 
  • COUSIN: I’m not missing any point. Don’t go on TV if you don’t want people to tell you how you look. If you are going on Television or any type of platform where you are basically asking people to “look at me,” you have to be able to take the criticism that comes along with it. And if this is how you really feel, then stop going to movies or watching television or buying music, because you are merely supporting the maching you are raging against. 
  • BLOGGER FRIEND: So if someone who was a news reporter and you could tell was gay, would you bash him about being so and representing something bad? I didnt think so…
  • COUSIN: So your saying that people are not born gay, just like people are not born fat, but they choose to be that way through glut. Wow, very PC. Great point you just made there.  And what exactly constitutes as being so gay that you could “tell they where gay.” 
  • BLOGGER FRIEND: OK, you just bought this into a whole other convo about “not being born gay”…im not going to engage with somone who is as close minded. it was merely an example to show you that NO ONE asks anyone to give their opinion about their image, sexuality, personality. And many people who are not as strong as her would kill themselves over such bullying. Alas though, I’m going to end it here before this gets ugly. And you are not worth my time to discuss further. 
  • COUSIN: I’m not close minded, that was the statement you made. And like most people, when you are called out on saying something completely assanine, you wanna quit the argument, because you realize you are both unequipped and uncapable of producing a convincing point. Keep drinking diet coke, going to fast food restaurants at lunch and eating nothing but sweets all the time, and keep bitching about why you don’t understand why you are overweight. This is the most lazy, out of shape, and self entitled country in the world, and I’m tired of hearing people wine about it. Get off the couch and burn some fucking calories.
  • BLOGGER FRIEND: i hope this is a general statement you are making because i actually do none of those hahaha. but this is what bias, close minded people like you assume. have a good day sir. 
  • COUSIN: Good day to you as well. In closing, I work for a non profit for blind and visually impaired people who suffer from a disease that is not preventable or cureable. These people do not spend their time bitching or crying about their state of affairs, rather they work their asses off to make the best of the situation that God has handed them. If you would ever like to be humbled, and feel like your problems don’t amount to a hill of beans, I invite you to come tour our facilities. 
  • FRIEND: Great post Judy!!!
  • COUSIN/FRIEND: Did you even read Judy’s blog? No one is talking about what you are. Judy wrote that it’s NOT OK to bully or demean someone because of their weight (or sexuality or what the hell ever). That people are more than just their weight. And she wrote of her own weight loss struggles that so many others relate too. You yourself just said how hard it is to get fit and healthy. It’s even harder for others I guess, for whatever reason. Just like you probably have vices of your own that aren’t the greatest, most people do. Of course eating yummy food is easier than working out. But no one is arguing that. What you are saying doesn’t have anything to do with Judy’s point.
  • COLLEGE FRIEND: Beautifully written since it comes from the heart… And you know what?? You are a beautiful person!! I don’t know the struggle you go thru but this made me see a piece of it. It is awful that ppl would say such things like this to you! That is not motivating or encouraging at all!! As a spinning instructor and very soon to be piloxing instructor… I am appalled that ppl would not recognize that ppl.who are trying to lose weight. And mske lifestyle changes have a difficult task ahead of them and that its not an easy process. I applaud the efforts you have made…and don’t beat yourself up for bumps in the road… but most important.. like your article said… accept who you are because you are a beautiful person inside and out!
    :)
  • COLLEGE FRIEND 2: Judy, you are a beauty, inside and out. Always remember that we can not control what others think of us, but we can control what we think about ourselves. You have always been a “quality chick” in my book and I expect nothing less of your own thoughts of yourself! Does that make sense?
  • COLLEGE FRIEND 3: I had a long post written to “XX” and scrapped it. I don’t know him so his ignorance isn’t my issue. Judy – FABULOUS! You are such a talented writer.
    :)
  • ANOTHER FRIEND: I haven’t sat down to read your post yet, Judy – but you know that I think you are a beautiful, smart and wonderful woman! You know that I have the same struggles and everyday is a challenge. I’ve lost over 60 pounds and still have more pounds to shed, but I know how much better I feel. What I’m trying to say is that it’s all about confidence and how you portray yourself to others that counts he most. Also, the woman wanted to ignore the email. It was her loving husband that was angered by the bullying. Also – doesn’t she run marathons????
  • COUSIN: The truth hurts XX. I welcome your response, but doubt that you are intelligent enough to argue with me and simply label me ignorant, because you are yourself a lazy uneducated person. Keep enabling each other and telling yourself it’s not easy being….fat. And you will remain that way. I never said that my cousin, whom I love very much, is not an intelligent wonderful person, because she is. But I will not sit by and tell her it is okay for her to eat and live unhealthy as an over weight person, when she clearly does not want to do so. Like I said, the truth hurts, but it takes people who love you enough to tell you the things you don’t want to hear.
  • FRIEND OF ANOTHER FRIEND: Ah, Judy, kudos to you for sharing. @XX, you are so abrasive while at the same time claiming to love Judy. I truly feel sorry for those you claim to love if you cannot love them completely, as they are, for who they are, not who you think they should be. Your cuting comments in light of Judy’s sharing her struggle show just much you “love” her. Actually your rants are quite appalling. In fact, I am quite perplexed by your compassion for the blind, but not your own family member. Yours is an example of utter ignorance. I’d be interested to see your pic in 20 years to see if you’ve been able to live by your own words…..never mind, I have better things to do with my time!
  • COUSIN: So I should just tell her everything is ok, and that it’s all sunshine and lolipops. Just keep wishing a rainbow will appear. I’m an adult, not a three year old. I’m not going to blow sunshine up anyone’s ass. Life is hard. Deal with it. I also notice that all of the people who are saying these things don’t have pictures of themselves, more than likely because they are ashamed of their self appearance. I work hard, and have heard since I was 18 that I would get fat as I got older. I am now 32, and am still in the same shape I was then. Not because I hoped and prayed for it, but because I work for it. And I will continue to work for it, because I respect myself. Can you go to the mirror and look at yourself and say the same. Seriously, go look…. I’ll wait.  I’m not wasting anymore time on you people who think it’s okay to be fat and out of shape and eat like shit. Keep on doing what your doing, and I won’t be arguing with many of you much longer. Can’t wait to hear about how bad your diabetes and other health related problems are. Judy I love you and you know it. I’m trying to help you and tell you that you need to work harder, not simply whine about these issues.
  • ME: I really didn’t want to respond to any of this but I can’t deal with this anymore. I wasn’t whining about it. My title was meant to be a catchy draw. apparently it worked. Did you read my post? My point is that people should not be BULLIED for being overweight. I ADMIT to not working hard and being stagnant. I admit to feeling bad sometimes but my point is that it’s unacceptable to bully someone about their size, or to size up their worth based on their size. I can’t argue every point, I just wanted to clarify this. 
  • COUSIN/FRIEND 2: Just delete the whole thing Judy, you don’t deserve this……
  • FRIEND OF ANOTHER FRIEND: You are such a thoughtful person, thinking of others. But sometimes, what you don’t see is the stuff others keep hidden, if your vice is something other than food. I don’t know you or your vices but believe me, you’ve got them too! I was just suggesting compassion for your loved ones and respect that they work at their stuff too, maybe not the way you do, but they work, I would guess your family loves you despite your big mouth!  Judy, sorry to have hijacked your post. You are so beautiful, thank you for your post, keep your chin up, I know you make others smile! 
  • COUSIN/FRIEND: XX I am laughing my ass off at you actually lecturing about health. That is. just. funny. I suppose any vice or weakness someone has is grounds to be ridiculed about in your opinion, which is sooo hypocritical. NO ONE was making excuses or whining, but you will never admit you missed the point. Why does anyone bother, including me, who knows. Judy you are sweet and kind and a good person. You are open and honest and so relatable to so many. love ya
So there you have it. One long, sordid Facebook drama mess.
 
If you’re a regular follower of my blog, you know I don’t hesitate to share when things are going on. My philosophy is to share, because you might find someone is facing a similar struggle and to be connected is preferred to being alone, in my book. Right now, this is something at top of my mind, and I needed to share it. Especially since The Beauty Loser has been one of my most read and followed features. That says a lot of you understand.
 
Being a weight bully is not a way to get action from your victims. It’s not. In fact, the morning after this happened, I skipped breakfast because I was no where near hungry. I went to eat my salad at lunch time because I was starving by then, but I felt guilty for wanting it. I literally teared up, holding the fork and looking at my salad. I had to pull myself together emotionally and realize that it’s stupid, I need to eat the damn salad. I had to tell myself – again – that letting this get to me is exactly what he wants, and I refuse to give in to it. Plus, starving myself? Is not the healthy way to lose weight.
 
How were his actions helpful? If he’d approached his concerns/opinions in a warmer way, I wouldn’t have had to wade through the hateful, inconsiderate language. 
 
Part of me unbiasedly says he makes some good points. But it’s all about presentation, isn’t it?
 
I was bullied as a child in grammar school. I was verbally and mentally abused by an adult, who is supposed to love you unconditionally, when I was a child and teen. I’ll save you the details and the residual effects. Let’s just say, there’s no way in hell I’m going to be bullied now – fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me.
 
None of us knows the others struggles. Consider consequences, and other people, before you speak. It’s National Anti-Bullying Month, or Bullying Prevention Month, however you say it. So let’s be a little kinder to each other, huh?
 
And remember. You may be able to change your appearance, but it’s a heck of a lot harder to change who you are as a person. Don’t be ugly on the inside.
 
OK, one more thing – thank you to everyone who was supportive and kind in response to the post I spontaneously put up on Wednesday. I <3 you guys!
 
A couple resources for victims of bullying
StopBullying.gov (Stop Bullying is having a Twitter townhall TODAY from 3 p.m. to 4 p.m. EST. Use the hashtag #BullyFreeDC
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  • Cyndy

    Further proof that you can pick your friends…You can fill in the rest. Keep up the good fight and be good to yourself!

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  • Lindsey Roberts

    What a jerk!! If he truly loved you he could offer to work out with you or show you a healthier way of doing things since he is such an “expert.” Every single word that came out of his mouth was unhelpful, ignorant and downright mean!

  • http://twitter.com/KimberlyIsHere Kimberly

    What an ass. That’s a warped mind thinking being a bully is actually love and helpful. Nevermind him. He will never get it and probably doesn’t have any love to give, much less to himself. Let him go look at my photo. Yep, it’s right up there for anyone to see. It is me and an hour before I took that photo, I ran a 5K and ran it at a personal best. I don’t have the body of a runner, I’m 50 and I have a hip replacement. Don’t judge me, cousin!!!

  • Jamie

    Personally, I wouldn’t have even have dignified this individual’s comments with a response. Plenty of serious forums that encourage healthy and intelligent dialogue moderate their comments; he is clearly someone with his own self-esteem issues looking for attention, not to “help” anyone. Also strikes me as exceedingly immature for a 32-year-old. Let’s see where this chap is in 20 years. I’ll bet he’s a little softer, in all respects.

  • http://www.stephanielouiseatb.blogspot.com Stephanie Louise Telford

    I’d happily trim your family tree.

  • SapphireKharyzma

    People need to realize, it’s not what you say…but how you say it! Although your cousin could possibly mean well — they just come off MEAN! As women, we are too often found…on the low self-esteem end of things! And inspiration and motivation — is all a person requires, just to have the guts and strength to be as strong minded and determined as your cousin (tries to be…but arrogance is very dominant)!

    I myself have been victim to someone who claimed to love me…who I loved more than I should! But you know what Judy, sometime we find what we seek in the kind hearts of strangers, rather than those who you thought you knew! I do hope you and your cousin can mend things, but always know — you have us fellow bloggers — who knows what it’s like and band together to help others know — you’re not alone! We love you — no matter what shape or size, and are here for you — in your lifestyle change! That’s all it really is — a lifestyle change!! And together — we will see you through it!!!

    Hugs xo

  • http://profiles.google.com/heyelvira Pink Sith

    I can’t even comprehend how ignorant this cousin of yours is. Wow! Of course he lays out his ignorance not only in his message but in his text.

    Dear Cousin: *indulge *depression *sofa *machine *asinine *were – not where *not capable – not uncapable *curable *your self – not yourself *lollipops *any more – not anymore *you’re – not your.
    Because I’m passive aggressive and a bitch I corrected your spelling, vocabulary and grammar mistakes. Because I know that nothing I will say will make you see what a horrible hateful person you are, I have decided not to challenge you on any misguided and false statements you made.

  • http://twitter.com/MWGirlieGirl daanielle

    I was thin my entire life. People who didn’t know me foolishly thought I didn’t eat enough. In reality, I could eat a bag of Cheetos and lose two pounds. Being born with a crazy metabolism meant I never really learned healthy eating and exercise habits. Fast forward to my first desk job and the natural slowing if that metabolic rate, and less time to work out and cook healthy meals. I started to gain. I got into cycling and walking and took off a lot if the weight…and then I injured my knee. Now, my knee makes a clicking sound when I walk up stairs and I was unable to get a good, hard workout while I allowed my knee to heal. I adjusted my food intake, but I still put on weight. I’m starting to lose again, but the bottom line is that you never know why someone looks or weighs what they do. My dad and brother run marathons, but when my brother strained a muscle and couldn’t run, even his skinny little self put on 10 lbs. it sounds as though your cousin has been fortunate enough to learn good habits early and hasn’t been hurt or had a health issue preventing them from their normal routine. I applaud your efforts to work for a more healthy lifestyle and for speaking out against being bullied about weight. As someone who grew up being teased about my chicken legs, bony arms and being accused of anorexia, I wish someone like you would have been spreading awareness in my day.

  • Diane

    What a witch your cousin is. I’m sorry you’ve got her for family, but she sure has issues and is really a hateful miserable person. She thinks very highly of herself. I’ve had weight problems since I’ve passed the “middle age” point, and diet and exercise don’t do what they used to. Everybody gains and loses weight differently. I probably watch what I eat better than most skinny people I know, but we are all different inside and outside. I am sure some Karmic thing will be happening to your cousin at some point, and she’ll be thinking, “why do bad things happen to such a wonderful person like me?”. You are a good person no matter what size you are, and she’ll always be a you-know-what.

    • http://curveswithmoves.com/ Jessie Diaz

      her cousin is a he…not that it makes it any better or worse. He was such a douche…PROUD OF YOU JUDY! DON’T LET ANYONE KNOCK YOU DOWN!